Over-thinking will be the death of me

All my life I’ve been surrounding myself with petty thoughts, especially relating to “friends” and “the future”. My thoughts usually circle around, “Oh no! What if they only pretend to be my friends but deep down secretly hate me? What if these girls get mad at me all together? What if he gets disgusted by seeing my face? Why do they look down upon me, like I’m not even a human-being……” and the list goes on.

Ages ago, I would genuinely care about how others view me as an individual — I wanted to be the best version of myself, for them. When someone told me that I was plain ugly, I’d want to alter my appearance to become somewhat decent by starving myself. All of the confidence that I had when I was younger crumbled into pieces merely due to the irrelevant mockery said by pubescent boys. A year ago or so, I’d be terrified if someone got mad at me for the things I did. Opinions would be synchronized alphabets that I took by heart, reviewed carefully, and thought over for weeks. When a close friend decided to distance her/himself from my pathetic ass, I’d internally cry and ask myself, “Why.. What did I do wrong, exactly?”. My naivete pushed me down to the abyss of anxiety. Since I refused to have anyone to dislike me, I’d apologize thousands of times for the things that did not really matter.

Actually, my introverted sensitive personality will be the death of me. It pushes me to over-think about literally anything, ranging from people to my own future. When I lie on my bed at night, I think too much to the point that I can’t breathe properly. Thinking about my future careers and life, I often find myself falling into a dead-end. Contemplating about my relationships with people, I grow giddy. Reminiscing about the stupid things I have said, I begin to curse myself over and over. For years, I’ve been through sleepless nights, constantly weighing on others’ crude words and false scenarios.

Only recently have I realized that there will always be someone who dislikes you, just because you are being you. Someone out there will critic you solely because of your guts, in-born personality, God-given appearance, or even tiny gestures. I remember a quote that says, “You can be the most delicious peach in the whole universe, but there will still be someone who hates the taste of peach”. I can’t help that someone out there hates me, and that’s okay. It’s just life, you see? And to cover-up the hate, people usually use pretense — forced smiles, faked laughs, bitter compliments.. And it does not matter to me anymore. It’s okay, it’s fine.

To anyone who over-thinks about anything… just stop. Take a deep breath, close your eyes — say this over and over: “Everything is gonna be okay, I’m a wonderful person, my life is amazing, and I’m going to be alright“. BOOM. You are just going to be fine.

 

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