new year new me bullshit

Today a year ago — on the 1st day of January 2016 — I wrote a journal entry:

“Can’t believe that it is 2016 now. Starting out  resolution on New Year’s day seems so typical, eh? Or that’s just me saying shit because I could not stop myself from eating three whole chocolate bars and completely ruining my healthy living plan. New Year seems like an artificial beginning, an imaginary lining that separates the past 12 months with brand new ones.. That’s perfectly fine, though. Everyone needs a new beginning once in awhile, right? Nonetheless, I still think that starting out a resolution on the very first day of January is cliche, so let’s just start all of the plans on January 2nd. It’s 2016! Time to make some major changes. I know I can do it!”

This girl really thought she had the capabilities to make some ‘major changes’ in her life, yet the only major change she experienced was her deteriorating metabolism.

How naive I was to think that 2016 would do anything different to my dumb ass. And how pretentious I was, “I still think that starting out a resolution on the first day of January is cliche…” — I was just saying that because I ravenously ate 3 chocolate bars on that first day of 2016. Then for the rest of 2016, my life went downhill and I spiralled into depression again. I do agree though, New Year really is an artificial imaginary beginning that only separates the past 12 months. It did give me some kind of hope as I thought it would be entirely different than 2015. It really was quite the same, or even worse (I can assure you that I’m not blaming anyone for the bad stuff, I’m only blaming my stupidity). That is why I have no resolutions, expectations, or whatever for the rest of the upcoming New Years (2018, 2019, 2020.. etc), because disappointment always follows expectations. I’m not a cynic or skeptic, I’m just being a realist. If New Year is a thing for you to completely change your life here and there, good for you!!

(Honestly, I’m just mad depressed about the upcoming 2 years or so of me majoring in Business Management. And after graduation, I do not know where to go or what to do. I am motherfucking clueless)

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