Daddy prolly snitched, heritage inside your DNA
-DNA, Kendrick Lamar (2017)
per usual, he told me to never take anything seriously because he was “only joking”. Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny though, not condescending?
When I was younger, I wish I had the understanding that we were all only a bunch of broke teenagers who made zero cash. I shouldn’t have searched for validations from people who were as broke as I was. We were all just poor penniless peasants trying to get better education from a formal institution. I now realize that all of those goddamn expensive watches, gadgets, cars, bags, clothes… They are all from your daddy money, boi.
I was probably 12 years old when I moved to a private Christian middle school in a more metropolitan area. Coming from such a small city, I was bombarded by my naivete into thinking that everything would stay the exact same. Obviously, I was wrong. Pre-teens with the age range of 12 until 15 years old were running around with newer gadgets, shorter skirts, tighter pants, newer slang, and so on. Goddamn, I did not even acknowledge the meaning of “hair extension” at that time. I was utterly primitive. During my first year of middle school, all I ever wanted was to fit in with the “cool kids”, to the point that I forgot myself and my own perspectives in life. To the point that I became such a bitch. I tried so hard to fit in into these little cliques that were established by most girls. Now I realize how cliques or squads or whatever they are called, be stupid as hell. No one has to constrain herself into a certain group of friends, be as free as u wanna be.
To be honest, I’ve never been a religious individual, yet I’ve always enrolled myself to Christian/Catholic institutions up until now. Anyway, I moved to another private school when I was about 15, and now it was a Catholic one. Since it was a private high school, almost everyone was loaded with cash. And yet there was me with my 3-year-old fake Kipling backpack that I bought for less than 50K rupiah from Pasar Atom. I did not care about looking like I was rich. I myself was never rich — even up until now, I am still broke. I did enjoy my school years, but there were some people who treated me like I was a literal piece of shit lmao
When I was still a student, I remember there was a guy saying things like, “My God. How can someone like YOU be able to draw such a beautiful picture?” — basically, he did not believe that a girl like me could draw something good enough for his motherfucking taste. At that time, I was confused. What did he mean by saying “someone like me”, exactly? I kept searching for my mistakes towards him: did I ever hurt him? Did I ever say something wrong to his ass? And for the rest of the school year, he continuously disregarded me as a normal person. Nonetheless, he was extremely nice to the other girls, especially the ones with the beauty, popularity, and brilliancy. I knew I was far from being called beautiful and smart, but I definitely did not deserve that rude treatments, especially coming from a guy who was a misdinar/Putra Altar in church (where were his religious values, though?). During those years, I did observe his attitude: when he heard my name, he scoffed with such a demeaning way. When he was annoyed with my stupidity, he got physical with me by slapping/pushing me around. Damn. I was bullied when all I wanted to do was to make other people laugh. I was acting like a fool only for my friends to be happy when they looked at me. You see, I was not a stupid bitch, real talk here. Anyways, I never got angry at him or anything because I was — and still am — a coward. I knew he did all that just because his rich ass thought he could do anything. At some point I got so fed up and began saying a word of profanity, but then I APOLOGIZED to him (I always apologize to people for no absolute reasons). Not until he knew about my ability in English that he altered his degrading attitude towards me. When I was only accepted by a local university, he said to me, “I want every single person in this class to be successful” — as if I would not be successful due to my inability to study abroad. In conclusion, he treated me as a normal human after he assumed my English proficiency was good enough for him. Or he was just tired of his own bullshit. And then, per usual, he told me to never take anything seriously because he was “only joking”. Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny though, not condescending?